This Thanksgiving week had some very eventful Black moments beyond measurement.
Whether it was a legendary queen of soul taking us to church on a football field or a musical diva being a little too glamorous for the kids — my life was filled with the holiday spirit and shade all the way through. Here’s some of the most ratchet moments that will have you rolling on the floor so bad that you might consider it a post-Thanksgiving workout.
Cardi B gets her teeth done with bae during the Love & Hip Hop season premiere.
Another week, another new season of Love & Hip Hop. This time we’re back in New York City where the premiere had me side-eying a lot of things. It was one of kind of episodes where you just sip your drink and say “um, interesting.” One of those “um interesting” moments was the storyline for Cardi B and this producer dude she’s working/crushing/dating/twerking on. Y’all know how LHH is: folks get busy while trying to get business done. Cardi B’s new love interest, a producer named “Swift” — which should be a warning shot for “he moves around fast girl, dodge” — is trying to make all the right moves. But there’s one problem (or non-issue depending on how ratchet you are): he has a girlfriend who lives all the way in London. Yes, the capital of England. We find this out while he provides moral support to Cardi B as she gets her teeth fixed and he is sneaking on his cell trying to convince his main girl that he’s all for her. I can’t. I can already smell the smoke before the fire. And once Cardi finds out, she’s going to get Swift’s ass together...forevaaaaaaa!
Mariah Carey comes through with diamonds and cleavage for days on Ellen.
I don’t normally have time to watch Ellen (not that I can’t, but it usually interrupts my ratchet Maury hour...priorities) but when my homegirl told me that Ms. Mariah “Darling” Carey was on the show in a full red robe...I felt a siren in my head go off. Coming out in a full-bodied silk satin robe as if Ellen DeGeneres’ set became a part of her NYC penthouse suite, Mariah was serving “dashing through the snow with a one horse ready to slay” realness. But you all know Ms. Carey is full of the dramatics — this woman takes this robe off and out comes a banging black jumpsuit number with a few other things popping out as well. Ellen couldn’t help but mention it once Mariah took a seat with her two piece diamond necklace just to remind you that she didn’t want anyone all up in her business like a Wendy interview. All tea, no shade darling. In all fairness, hats off to Mariah and her lamb chops for being here for her as she dodged the tough questions pertaining to her ex-fiance with a swift dismissal while distracting us with the layyyed golden trestles coming from her scalp and flashing statement jewelry that were way more interesting in my opinion. Come through Mariah!
There’s another bae caramelizing on Queen Sugar.
Queen Sugar is that show that is very serious and compelling, but also has men that are seriously hot and compelling fine as hell. Like damn...where did they find these these guys??? This week’s episode saw some major moves between leading lady Charley and her rebound boo Remy Newell. Remy, where do I start? At first, I thought he was just an Average Joe, definitely not a Ralph Angel screen-stealer at first. But just like Charley, the more he talks, the more my heart melts. He is literally the quintessential “Mr. Steal Your Girl” as he has eased his way into the show was subtle charm and lowkey swag. This guy is seriously trying to make the case for light-skinned brothas to have a seasonal comeback this winter and he might be almost there. This recent episode he got stood up by Charley as she end up having more important business to take care of — but he didn’t turn into a jerk or turn-up, he told her to make it up to him. Taking a deep breath and exhaling — Charley, stop playing and give this man the a real chance, for real.
Aretha Franklin turned the National Anthem into a soulful church hymn.
There are some people who do things that may not make sense at first, but then you remember who they are and you not only accept it, but you R-E-S-P-E-C-T it. That was definitely the case on Thanksgiving when Ms. Aretha Franklin (excuse me, The Queen of Soul, Fur Coats, Legacy, and Snatching Vocal Edges) sang the Star Spangled Banner for longer than a minute during Detroit Lions-Minnesota Vikings. In fact, Aretha took her sweet ole’ time and sang it for 4 minutes and 35 seconds to be exact while on a church piano and complementary mink coat. Now as folks on Twitter have tried to come for her — I lived for it. Understand that your Grandma’s Beyoncé has earned the right to sing the National Anthem however she like whenever she like. While many of your faves could never book a football stadium, let alone a Wal-Mart parking lot, Aretha has been in the game for twice your age and you will deal. My edges were gathered, folded up and shipped to Ms. Franklin as she restored my faith in vocals, grace, and the gospel of soulful R&B. Can I get an amen for her Sister Aretha??! Anytime you can turn the National Anthem into a roaring battle soul hymn -- you don’t just get a round of applause, you get a packed stadium cheering you on like you done touched down on the field your damn self. And that’s exactly what she did, a touchdown. Y’all better put some R-E-S-P-E-C-T on Ms. Franklin’s name...and in that order!
Until next week, Black America — remember to always bring your own bae when you’re get your teeth done, and when discussing exes, come through with iced-out bling and an expensive satin robe that will have the streets talking about other things.
(Photos from left: Frazer Harrison/Getty Images for Airbnb, Rob Kim/Getty Images, Rob Kim/Getty Images)