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Summary: A remake of the 1981 cult classic. Five twenty somethings (and a dog) — with no common sense — are trapped in a cabin in the woods.  An evil (and dead!) spirit with a love for profanity is hellbent on killing them all.  But of course one person must survive — blah, blah, blah...\r
Review: The Evil Dead is a cult classic.  But unlike The Texas Chainsaw Massacare (1974) or Poltergeist (1982), the horror film doesn't stand the test of celluloid time.  Sami Raimi's'81 version toed the line of camp with bad acting, awful special effects and ludicrous characters.  But the indie flick was in on the joke — the same can't be said for the 2013 version.  Evil Dead (without "the") is continuing the tradition of sucking the cinematic life out of iconic franchises.\r
With a cast of unknowns, the Fede Alvarez-directed film is offensively bland with cartoon-ish gore, simpleton characters and the worst of horror film clichés: tripping in the woods, stupidly entering creepy basements, brunettes possessed by evil and the lone Black character meeting their maker sooner than everyone else. The flick includes random throwbacks to the original, but Evil Dead stands alone as its own terrible film — it's demonic possession meets torture porn.\r
As someone who appreciates the horror genre, making a good horror film is no easy task.  Audiences are immune to scares, therefore, the film needs a solid plot and characters you root for — someone a few rows behind me shouted, "Kill 'em off already!"   It's not enough to slap CGI blood on screen with screaming pretty people in crisis.  There is actually a craft to making a solid horror movie, redundant plots and inexcusable predictability equal another trite disaster.  The worst moment: A cursing demon who spat: "Kiss me you dirty c***!" and "Come down here so I can suck your c***, pretty boy!" The lines gave the audiences more giggles than creeps.\r
The plot, score, special effects and cinematography were all deadpan. As for the unknown actors — well, you've got to start somewhere. In one bloody scene, the leading lady cried, "It was so horrible! It was so horrible!" Girl, I know how you feel — that's exactly what I said when the credits rolled.\r
Evil Dead is in theaters today.