Even the most wee of wee little ones knows that if you're Black in America, there are two adages to live by: "All you have to do is stay Black, pay taxes and die" and, when you age, remember that "Black don't crack."
Although you would think that Black Twitter and reality TV had put all Black secrets and philosophies out for the world to hear and dissect, apparently the thing about Black not cracking is still undercover. Otherwise, how else to explain the world’s obsession with the fact that nary a wrinkle has managed to take up residence on Pharrell’s 40-year-old face? New York Magazine’s website published a popular quiz called "Which Pharrell Is Older?," showing side-by-side comparisons of current Pharrell and Pharrell from a decade ago, all looking exactly the same. Photoshop? Pact with the devil? Other publications have wondered if he's like a modern day, music producing, skateboarding Dorian Grey. But the most curious have turned to Google, asking the question, “Is Pharrell Williams a vampire?”
As if he is hiding pointy vampire ears under his oversized hat, Pharrell’s baby face is causing a lot of confusion. Time Out London decided to get to the bottom of it, asking the musician if he was the un-dead. Pharrell's answer fell on the polite side of wiseass snark when he told them, "I'm willing to go on record as saying that I don't drink people's blood. How do I stay so young-looking for a 40-year-old? I wash my face."
Once everyone stops wondering if the secret is that he is washing his face in the blood of virgins, they’ll move on to look suspiciously at other age-defying celebs. Halle Berry not only looks decades younger than she is, but she had a baby in her late 40s, proving her insides are just as spritely. Beyoncé's face has looked the same since she was a Destiny's Child. Kanye's puffy cheeks haven't sagged since College Dropout. And the list goes on.
Because the Internet is a mean place, Lorde was at the butt end of the joke on the Tumblr site Old Black People that Look Younger Than Lorde. It was cruel — so cruel that we won’t include the link here. But it was also proof positive, as the line-free faces of everyone from LL Cool J to Phylicia Rashad attested to, that if Pharrell is indeed a vampire, his coven is large…and attractive.
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(Photo: Anthony Harvey/Getty Images)