Where’s Michael Scott when you need him to pass out a few Doing the Absolute Most to Black People Dundee Awards to the worst Beckies of 2018?! Oh, that’s right… he left Dunder Mifflin for his new boo. *eye roll* Well, how about we have our own makeshift ceremony right now for the Audacious Ashleys and Badly Behaved Beckys, starting with the end-of-year edition to the "klan," “Target Teresa.”
In a Tennessee Target, a group of Black women was, you guessed it, harassed by a white woman for absolutely no reason. In the LEAST perverse way, the women used the word “sex,” when describing a character from the movie Boomerang, a cult classic Black film created by and featuring Eddie Murphy. The racially unmasked marauder, newly renamed Target Teresa, wrongly accused and asked the group if they were “having sex there” simply because someone in the group said the word “sex” and that it was too inappropriate for Target talk. An ignorantly irate Target Teresa, spewing hatred all over Aisle 6, proceeded to tell the women they didn’t belong there and that they, presumably Blacks, are perfect for the court system because they’re “trained liars.” This is after the group tried to explain to Target Teresa that they were not talking inappropriately nor were they having sex in Target (LOL) or whatever the eavesdropper mistook them for saying.
I mean really, Teresa!? I’d be damned if I was anywhere and someone who incorrectly heard what I said to my friends tried to pull my card about what I can and cannot say in a public domain! I am a mom and still would never ask someone not to curse around my son or me, especially if they were in a group or on the phone. Not only is it not my place, but there are ways I can remove myself from a situation that makes me uncomfortable or is annoying me. A "mind my business and B" walk away from the “perps.” Maybe that’s just the New Yorker in me, but the whore-dacity of Target Teresa telling a group of woman what they said was inappropriate (even though it wasn’t) and then telling the proverbial them (Blacks) that they were all trained to be liars in the court system blows my mind! Only haters care that much, for real. Maybe during Target Teresa’s Klan trainings the attack words were “sex” or “Eddie Murphy,” because when she couldn’t back her claims of what she allegedly overheard, she began to obnoxiously amplify her abhorrent racism. Sick cop-out (puns).
It really amazes me how Trump’s America unveiled the neighboring racist masks of so many. Especially in hillbilly Middle-ass America. Let’s drop a pin in North Carolina, where ID Adam accused a Black woman of intruding in a residential community pool… in HER OWN COMPLEX! He targeted the only Black people at the pool, asking for an ID, and when she refused to give it to him (‘cause, uh, who the hell are you, and where is YOUR ID, sir?!) he went as far as calling Five-Oh. Where I come from, even if she wasn’t authorized to be there and wasn’t hurting anyone by being there, snitches get stitches, Bud. Might I add, she was with her son! Since his viral appearance on social media with a whopping 4.5 million views, little ole’ ID Adam is no longer known as the WhiteGuard on BlackWatch, but the woman was advised to sue him for his discriminatory actions. What a tangled web we weave when someone doesn’t know how to curb their racism. Sue him, SIS!
Let’s spin the globe again… (no whammies, no whammies!) Oh, wait. We landed right back in… SURPRISE… the Dirty Dirty. Wellington Manor, Georgia, another community-leading white person tried to blow the whistle on a Black mother and child for… smoking a cigarette in an outdoor parking lot. Why are white people so offended that we can afford to live in the same neighborhoods and complexes as them?! We aren’t all just The Help. We aren’t all gangbangers and hoodlums. The same weed and cigarettes we use and deal are the same as whites but at a different profit margin with substantially higher risk factors. But still, time and time again it amazes them that we aren’t that much different. Especially since they all want tans, rapper boyfriends and boxer braids. 'Cause, stereotypically speaking, that’s what Black women are into. Anyhooters, I digress…
Now that we have smokers in mind, let’s head on over to the West Coast, where the grass is reported to be greener (puns on puns). A true Black fairy tale, epicly and ethnically as popular as Anansi the Spider, stars lead actress Permit Patty. Picture it: it’s a hot summer day in San Francisco and an 8-year-old Black girl goes in front of her house to sell bottled water for $2 in an effort to save for a trip to Disneyland. What a heartwarming sentiment of a child with an advanced entrepreneurial and independent mindset. But just as quickly as the balloon expands, it pops when Permit Patty aggressively threatens to call the cops on the child for not having a permit to sell those $2 waters. Bro, an 8-year-old!? She’s selling water, not crack… or weed, which is a refreshing visual considering I’m sure white people think we’re only drug dealers with baggy jeans. That same judgmental drug dealing that, ironically, CEO Permit Patty is in the business of. Medical-grade marijuana-infused animal treats… for pets with anxiety. Blank stare. This is ignorant to say, but "whatever" wouldn’t be my first offense: white people put animals on a higher plateau than they do Black people. Yes, this is rooted in opinion, but shit PETA-driven animal enthusiasts and vegans don’t even want people to say, “kill two birds with one stone,” anymore… cause you know it’ll hurt a pigeon’s feelings. Yet, we’re shooting unarmed Blacks WEEKLY and getting over it ‘cause, ya know, Blue Lives Matter.
Let’s fast forward to the ending of that magical fairytale of the Wicked Witch of the West Coast, Ms. Permit Patty. The footage publicly spreading like a wildfire (Cali puns on puns on puns) and Patty gets fired as the CEO from her uber-successful cannabis driven business, TreatWell. Skrrrrtt. Treat...Well?!
Shall we reiterate the double standard here? It’s legal and OK for a white woman to prosper from the same substance that has many people of color currently incarcerated for using or dealing, but a young girl can’t sell bottles of water in front of her own house? Patty losing her job was an obvious win on the BLM scoreboard, although I’m sure she got compensated for her “troubles” with some sort of severance, and that little girl is now scarred for life just because she wanted to go to Disney. Poor Patty really took the news hard too and claimed she was “manipulated” into being considered a racist. She was merely “annoyed” by someone (a child) yelling outside… and was merely asking if it was legal to sell those waters in that fashion. The footage says otherwise, Chile, and if your 8-year-old niece was doing the same thing, you’d be proud as hell labeling her as one of the Forbes 10 Under 10 lists. KTSE.
Our ceremonial finale ends just a county away, practically next door to Patty, with the infamous Becky that started it all… BBQ BECKY! From Halloween costumes to memes, she has become quite the catalyst in pop culture. A group of Black people were barbecuing in an Oakland park and were harassed by a white woman for the heinous crime of “Being Black While BBQ’ing.” (She probably couldn’t believe how much seasoning it took!?) After using racial slurs and assertively pestering the group of family and friends, Becky rang up the authorities. She was utterly DEVASTATED when the police basically told her to fall back and not bump her head. I imagine that’s how the Rancho Carne Touros felt when they heard the music being of another cheer group that also hired Sparky Polaski during finals. Bummer. See what happens when you steal cheers from the Clovers, BECKY!?
There are, of course, so many more BBB (Badly Behaved Beckies), but these were my favorite worth mentioning. And I sprinkled ID Adam because All Lives Matter, evidently, just don't tell hypocrite Hallway Harry that. I don’t look forward to the new creative and innovative ways whites will try and stop Blacks from doing the normal things we do with finesse, like breathe or Milly Rock, but I definitely look forward to calling them out on it in my opinion pieces. If only we could file one large-ass class action suit against racist white offenders, we wouldn’t need to play the Powerball every week! Until next time, folks, on Bad Becky’s Gone Wild…
Photo: STF/AFP/Getty Images