It would be unwise to underestimate the lengths to which dessert purveyors are willing to go to move some dough, both literally and figuratively. Recently, in terms of confections, there's been a significant pivot to creating Insta-worthy snacks that focus more on aesthetics than taste. Another increasingly buzzworthy movement is that of the wellness industry — also an Instagrammable pastime.
The two linked up and made the brain child of your nightmares: a $15 brownie expressly created for when you're on the rag. That's right ladies — Moon Cycle Bakery, a new start up, is the "first hormone supportive sweet treat service empowering women to redefine their time of the month," according to its Instagram bio.
Yes, you read that right — there is a whole damn bakery devoted to using ~feminine energy~ as a pretense to sell you BAKED GOODS. Of course, the only people that would have the caucasity to charge $15 for a period-specific brownie would be a white heteronormative couple. But we digress.
Moon Cycle Bakery is a monthly delivery service. For the low price of $20, you can get two whole menstrual cycle-minded brownies. This is a relative steal for them — one mere brownie will cost you $15. We could go on about how they're formulated with all these lovely ingredients meant to ease your menstrual suffering, but we just can't bring ourselves to do it, because we are offended by the whole thing in general. (But they're available here, if you care.)
For the price of one expensive brownie, you could hit up a bodega and buy all the supplies you need to survive your period — including snacks and midol, which this bakery purports to basically smoosh together.
A hilarious aspect of peak-period behavior (we're talking sans birth control [BC] — because as we know, BC can be used to treat a multitude of ailments, including regulating chronically heavy/uncomfortable menstruation!) that we know to be true: we're definitely not picky eaters when it comes to this time of the month. Like if a $.50 Lil Debbie Cosmic Brownie could satisfy the chocolate hanger (yes, hanger), you won't see us going out of our way to spend 15 American dollars on a very similar item.
Here are some things you could buy with the $14.50 you save by purchasing a Lil Debbie Cosmic Brownie (we wish we got paid to promote them, but sadly we don't):
Hey, is eating nutrient-rich food — especially high in elements you're using while casually and thoughtlessly shedding your uterine lining — advantageous for your body? Heck yes, and we approve that message. However, you do not need to spend 15 buckaroos on a healthy snack that will likely leave you still craving that goddamn Lil Debbie Cosmic Brownie. Truly your money would be better spent investing in Midol and tumeric pills if you're really serious about axing inflammation. (Plus, you could ostensibly use these bulk items for future cycles.) Case closed. Bring in the dancing lobsters.
(Photo: Jack Andersen/Getty Images)