Should Women Marry For Love Or Security? Women Sound Off On The Advice That Kandi Burruss' Mom Gave To Tiny Harris
Tiny Harris recently confessed to her husband of nine years, T.I., on his podcast, ExpediTIously, that Kandi Burruss' mom told her to marry for security, not love.
"I will never forget, when I was about 16, 15 years old, aunt Joyce, Kandi's mama, told me don't marry for love," she said during the interview. "Marry for ummm, what she say? Security."
We're sure her bestie's mom had the best of intentions, but the debate between love or security when it comes to marriage struck a chord with social media.
It may be safe to say that Tiny chose love when she wed T.I., since the Xscape member was certainly the breadwinner at the time, but what do a majority of women choose when it comes to the time to tie the knot?
We asked the ladies of BET as well as our extended friends and family to dish on the hot topic:
Should women marry for love or security?
Marry For Love First, And If Necessary Remarry For Security
"I think women should marry for love first and if they have to remarry, it should be for security the second time around. Marriage should be for love ideally, but unfortunately some things happen and the relationship doesn’t work out. If this does happen, then women should definitely marry for financial security the second time around."
—Essie Acolatse, BET
In Today's World There's No Security
"I think women should marry for love. In today’s world there’s no security in anything, so might as well enjoy the experience. I recommend marrying someone with ambition and respect. That creates love, security and a happy family." —Brittiany Taylor, BET
Love Is Important, But You Can't Feed Your Family On Love Alone
"I don’t feel like this is the most outrageous thing to say. In almost every category that evaluates freedom (political agency, health, financial opportunities and education), women are drastically unequal to men. You cannot use a few examples of female success stories and call it even so it makes perfect sense why someone would give this advice. In a lot of ways, marriage was the only way that a woman could hope to have any kind of future for a long time.
"This might not necessarily be true anymore but I don’t think that we should pretend just because we can make our own money in America that we don’t need still need to work within the patriarchal infrastructure, which unfortunately, still gives men by and large more opportunities and freedoms than women. We know that women are paid less money than men. We also know that economic autonomy is a gateway to living kind of life that you want so why pretend like getting married to someone who can give you that (if they are a man) is a bad thing. We didn’t make these rules so why suffer for them now?
"Sure, love is important, but you can’t feed your family on love alone. It won’t always equal survival." —Danielle Prescod, BET
I Say Love
“I say love. Security is something you can build together, granted you select the right partner” —Nikole, PR Manager
Both!
"Both!"
"Yes, I love you, marriage is the end goal, and I can see myself building a family and foundation with you. BUT I need to be secure in our relationship and with that is mutual respect and shared goals. We need to move as a unit." —Kateri Fischer, BET
Love Is Security
"Love IS security."
"I'm both a romantic and a realist, so at no point in my potential love or 'like' life have I ever found the two not to be synonymous. Anyone who loves you, should want to protect you, and security is a form of that.
"There is a famous quote from the show A Different World, between Whitley and Dwayne, that goes like this":
Dwayne: What kind of husband do you want Whitley?
Whitley: What kind do you think?
Dwayne: Rich.…
Whitley: I’d like a man who is educated, enterprising and ambitious.
Dwayne: So you wouldn’t mind if he was poor?
Whitley: That type of man is never poor.
"I feel the same goes for love. Anyone who loves you- and I mean truly loves you and not just loves the idea of being in love with you- will work hard to provide stability, and security = stability.
"Laziness is a form of selfishness, and love is SELFLESS. Real love will motivate even the laziest of lovers to go out and get it. If not for themselves, then for you.
"And just to be clear- there is a difference between wanting security and wanting to 'secure the bag.' I'm unsure if Kandi's mother was referring to the latter, but you don't have to be a seven-figure dude to come through. A six-figure fella can still provide five-star security, too. The security isn't in the money so much as it is in their constant motivation to make sure 'home' is good." —Soraya Joseph, BET
Lack Of Security Leads Relationships To Fall Apart
"I think women should marry for both! Marrying for love is obviously the driving factor in committing your life to someone. But security is just as important. And security can mean a plethora of things: financially security, mental security, emotionally security, etc.
"You want to feel secure in the fact that your partner can take care of you in those ways. That lack of security is what leads to relationships falling apart. I think once you find someone you love AND who makes you feel secure in some regard, that’s the person you should marry, for sure." —Gina Conteh, BET
Choose Love. Always.
“I’d say choose Love. Always. Above anything else. Because someone’s security can change. The way they provide can always fluctuate based on life events. But the way they Love you won’t. One of my favorite quotes is you can always forget what someone does, but you will never forget how they made you feel. & if Love is that feeling, then that’s forever.” —Katie, Customer Service Manager
Marry For Love
"Marry for love! There’s no security if the love isn’t there. Of course don’t be blinded by love, there should be other things on your check list as well." —Stephanie Rodriguez, Food & Beverage Industry
Security Isn't Necessarily Financial
"I think the mistake is equating marriage to love in the first place. Folks forget that marriage is a legal agreement. You don’t need marriage to have love. As a woman, especially (hello, wage gap!) you may need marriage for financial security.
"But it’s also important to note that security isn’t necessarily financial, by definition security means, “the state of being free from danger or threat.” I think that that anyone who is offering you that has to love you, at least in some way, right? I pick security. If love could be defined, I think security would be the word I use. Security of my peace of mind, my well-being, my heart…and possibly, maybe 'the bag.'" —Jazmine A. Ortiz, BET
