Doing a teatox. No, not a detox. A TEAtox. Basically, teatox is a shorter way to say “tea detox.” On this system, you fill your body with copious amounts of special all natural tea that increases energy levels and metabolism during the day and then a second tea mostly composed of Senna leaves that cleanses your colon at night. All in all, I'm trying to lose a few pesky pounds.
I literally spend most of my commute and a lot of my free time scrolling through my Instagram feed filled with bloggers pedaling beauty goods and celebrities endorsing the next trendy thing, and I stumbled upon this magical elixir and decided it’s worth a try.
There are few different brands of teatoxes, but I decide on MateFit after seeing celebs like Amber Rose and Angela Simmons posing with the tea. Nicki Minaj even twerks it out next to her Barbie-pink MateFit bottle in “Anaconda,” and my favorite color is pink so I'm fully convinced. Now, I’m a petite girl, standing at about 4’10 and weighing in at approximately 105lbs, but who doesn’t want body measurements more like Nicki? So I accepted the teatox challenge.
(Photo: Cash Money Records)
I take a quick look at the site to see exactly what I’m getting myself into. For optimum results, I'm supposed to combine the tea with healthy eating and regular exercise. This sounds hard. You're also given a suggested eating plan with your order and instructions on how to consume the tea. It comes with two types of tea, a Metabolic Boost you take before breakfast and lunch, and a Detox you take every other night after dinner.
I then check out MateFit’s Instagram page to get more info because let’s face it; Instagram speaks truth. I see post after post of rave reviews from MateFit enthusiasts. Is it possible for a cleanse to have groupies? Or maybe their addicts? I actually ponder this for a moment, and cleverly come up with the name MateFitManiacs. Well, these MateFitManiacs were going straight bananas for this tea, posting about how life changing their experience was, everything from losing inches to feeling less bloated. I was all in.
There are two order options: MateFit 14 Days Mini Teatox ($26.99) or MateFit 28 Days Ultimate Teatox ($45.00). I go for the 2 weeks, mostly because I’m cheap and also because I have commitment issues and this 2 week cleanse might just become a 2 day cleanse.
(Photo: MATE FIT)
My tea arrives on a Friday and I’m so excited. I want to start right away. Saturday morning, I wake up late for yoga and have to book it out the door to meet my girlfriend. I grab my pink bottle and throw my unopened MateFit package in my tote and decide that I’ll figure it out on the way. We make a quick stop at a deli and I make my way to the coffee station equipped with hot water. Perfect! In a rush I rip open the parcel and dump the contents on the counter. I don’t have time to read directions, but I know the basics from my research, which is to have my Metabolic Boost before breakfast. Interestingly, it’s an actual package of herbs. I throw in my cup the two tablespoons, a dash of honey and lemon, mix and sip. Ugh, I’m actually swallowing the herbs. My friend approaches me with a buttered bagel in tow, sees the look of disgust on my face and explains that I needed to put the herbs in a tea bag. After extensively explaining to her that if I needed tea bags it would of came with them, I take a look back in the package and find a bundle of tea bags. Oh. This is what they meant by “loose leaf.” It’s too late now, though. I've got 2 tablespoons of herbs floating in my cup.
I take one for the team, Team Manic that is, and force what tasted like a pool of seasoning down my throat. I then follow that with a banana. After yoga, I have my next tea, this time the right way, and it's not so bad after all. I reassure myself, "I can do this." And tonight I begin my detox portion after dinner.
Let’s talk about Senna. According to WebMD, "Senna is an FDA-approved nonprescription laxative. It is used to treat constipation, irritable bowel syndrome and hemorrhoids." The main ingredient in the detox portion of MateFit system is Senna leaves, which means you’re going to have to go. Yup, like clockwork. I “cleanse my system” first thing in the morning. (It's not the horror scene that I expected either. WebMD just scared the crap out of me. Pun intended.)
The pee breaks at work these past few days are endless. I get into the office and my first stop is the ladies room. Head to my desk, settle in, check emails and it’s back to the ladies room again. Grab a cup of water on my way back to my desk to take my vitamins, sippity sip, and I'm headed right back to the toilet. The system also insists you drink lots of water. It’s a bit exhausting and I start to wonder if maybe the actual weight loss is from all the bathroom trips and not really the tea at all.
I’ve been super busy at work and after work busy watching my favorite TV shows. I haven't given up on the tea and I'm eating right, but I haven’t made it to the gym. But tonight’s the night. After work I head to spin class at the YMCA. I’m very much a class kind of girl because it's all about the instructor for me. If their energy is contagious, class is tolerable. But this time it's different. I feel different. In fact, I feel like I could ride position two all day! Pause.
I'm no star student, but in every class before now (you know, now that I'm working my first teatox) I was counting down the minutes until class is over, distracted, checking my phone every five minutes and even sneaking potato chips into my mouth on an ocassion or two.
Every morning is crunch time for me, so it’s a little tough getting my teatox ready for the day before I leave the house, but it's definitely worth it. I feel so awake and don’t even mind all the pee breaks anymore. Plus, my pee is nice and clear and that makes me happy. During the week, I’m usually beat and can barely muster up the energy to work out. That struggle is no more.
Day 12 becomes my last day. See, what happened was...I missed a tea or two around Day 10 and improvise. Bad move. My stomach takes a turn for the worse, but I have only myself to blame. I actually call out of the office so my digestive system can get it together. It’s not like I was on my death bed, but when nature calls, there's nothing like the comfort of your own bathroom. I'm a little disappointed I couldn’t complete the full two weeks, but still pretty impressed at myself for sticking it out this long. I decide the jig is up.
The Results Are In!
Despite my troubles, I’m fully on board with the MateFitManiacs and even sealed the deal with my own MateFit bottle selfie. I lost four pounds and a half inch off my stomach, but keep in mind I did eat healthier and I did hit the gym about twice a week.
I learned three things during my teatox: 1) Start things on a Monday, that’s what Mondays are made for. 2) Follow the rules… at least when it comes to the tea. 3) I actually love tea and incorporate teas into my daily diet now. I totally recommend a teatox as a great way to jump-start a healthy lifestyle. I feel like it worked for me. Ahem, the proof is in the picture! Further proof of my hardwork and boost to my ego: when a coworker said, “You're looking good, girl!” I can also attest that I did in fact feel lighter and more energized. I plan to continue my road to Nicki's “Anaconda” realness — even if it is just in my head.
Give it a whirl girl and comment below to tell me about your experience or reach me on social media.
'Til Next Time,