We have all hear the statistics that say black women are the least desirable on dating apps. Tinder has said that Black women get swiped left the most, OkCupid has reported that Black women get fewer responses than other women – even from Black men. Is online dating against Black women? No. However, what dating apps do is illuminate our innate social response to race. When you are making swipe decisions in mere seconds you are responding based on an initial impression and your choice is loaded with hundreds of years of history and biological conditioning.
Should Black women just give up on online dating? No way! As an online dating coach of over 10 years I have consistently shown women how to beat the dating odds and not end up like Molly on Insecure when she got played by her date from The League. So if you’re going to give up, at least try these strategies out first and see if you too can dominate online dating before swearing it off forever.
Your profile photos have always been the most important part of your profile but now they are basically the profile itself so make sure your pictures are speaking louder than your words.
I recommend using The 3 C's – Color, Context and Character. Color to stand out from a sea of little black dresses. Context to tell your life story and the activities you enjoy. Character to show that you’re not afraid to let loose, look silly, or be a blerd every once in a while. There’s more detail on creating the perfect online dating profile here.
Most people who tell me that they are disappointed with online dating are sitting around waiting for messages to come in. If you are hung up on the idea of chivalry and waiting to be swept off your feet, online dating isn’t for you. In fact, dating in 2018 probably isn’t for you.
You have to remember that you’re dealing with a computer algorithm, not with chemistry and chivalry. If you send more outgoing messages, you will be seen by more people and boosted in the list of matches when others are searching. Plus, you will be the one doing the selecting rather than sitting around waiting for your dream date to message you.
If all the catfish stories have you terrified of online dating, look for the common denominator in all those situations. They never met offline! You are much less likely to be scammed if you meet them face to face. Plus, you will never know if you have chemistry until you meet in person. If you spend all your time screening them over text and phone calls, you will create your idealized version of this person in your mind and they will never be able to match up to your fantasy when you meet IRL.
Texting is a crucial part of the courtship process. It is a dating skill to be learned just like flirting, kissing and more. You have to strike the right balance of humor, flirtation and building anticipation for meeting in person or your text may never materialize into a real date. If you want to know the rules for texting a date, check out my free training.
Singles are so busy trying not to look like they aren’t trying too hard that they’re not even trying anymore. There’s nothing wrong with wearing a guy wearing suit in a profile photo – in fact, you will stand out from the rest of the bunch if you do. A woman who wears a red dress to a date isn’t loose, she’s winning. Show up for your date like you actually give a damn and give yourself a real chance at romance.
Damona Hoffman is a certified dating coach and TV personality (from #BlackLove and A Question of Love on FYI TV.) She gives weekly dating and relationship advice on The Dates & Mates radio show and podcast.
(Photo: Anne Marie Fox/HBO)
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