According to South African pastor Joshua Mhlakela, Jesus is returning September 23–24, just in time for Rosh Hashanah and also peak pumpkin spice season. The pastor insists Christ personally broke the news to him in a dream — which, historically, is exactly how the most airtight announcements get made.

Naturally, social media is melting down. TikTok has birthed #RaptureTok, a rabbit hole of tutorials on how to ascend with dignity, petitions to make sure dogs don’t get left behind, and pranksters plotting to scatter empty Crocs in their driveways. Meanwhile, skeptics are pointing out that Jesus said no one knows the day or hour, but apparently, He just got verified on TikTok, so who are we to argue?

If you’re not sure how to get your affairs in order before the skies open up, here are ten essential steps to secure your place in the cosmic carpool.

Forget life insurance — major companies are now offering “Heavenly Pet Protection Plans.” For just $29.99 a month, a certified atheist will agree to feed your dog if you get beamed up. (Fine print: cats are not included; they already believe they’re God.)

This is basically Fashion Week for souls. Expect a run on white linen, halos, and “ascension-appropriate” footwear. Crocs are technically allowed, but only in Heaven’s basement level.

Time is short. Stick to lightning-round confessions: “Sorry for that thing in college, sorry for cutting the Popeyes line in 2019, sorry for calling my boss ‘mom.’” God values efficiency.

Nobody wants to ascend looking like they’re fumbling for their car keys. Practice the float: arms out, chin lifted, think “Beyoncé hologram,” not “drunk uncle on hoverboard.”

Why pay for Hulu Live when Heaven already has the best original programming? Rumor is, God’s rebooting The Golden Girls with the original cast. Sorry, Netflix.

You don’t want to spend eternity awkwardly bumping into Chad from 2017. Hit “block” now and let the angels sort out the group chat later.

If the Rapture does happen, expect Republicans to announce it was their strong border policies that finally got Jesus to come back. Fox News will air a segment called “Did Wokeness Delay the Second Coming?”

It’s just polite. Stock the fridge with Hennessy, Lunchables, and a note: “Sorry you didn’t make the cut. Please water the plants.”

Top picks: “Stairway to Heaven,” “Knuck If You Buck,” “Take Me to the King,” and yes, “I Believe I Can Fly.” (We know. Awkward. But still on theme.)

Historically, rapture predictions are less reliable than Kanye release dates. If you wake up the next day still on Earth, at least you’ve got clean robes, a fresh playlist, and enough leftover snacks to throw a great “We’re Still Here” party.

Whether you’re polishing your halo or side-eyeing the sky, one thing’s clear: if Jesus really does show up this week, the only guaranteed winners are TikTok influencers and the companies selling rapture insurance for pets.