Rapper Kevin Gates has never shied away from his mental health struggles and now reveals that he contemplated killing himself in Dec. 2020.
In a new interview on Big Facts with Big Bank, DJ Scream, and Baby Jade, the artist said that he planned to end his life and even wrote a letter. The rapper credits a fan with changing his mind.
Gates, who deactivated his Instagram from Dec. 10, 2020, to Dec. 12, 2020, said that was a difficult time for him.
“See, I don’t do the, ‘Man, I’m ’bout to kill myself!’ I don’t want no attention,” he said speaking to the hosts during the interview. “I was going the way of the samurai. Just smash myself because I was to the point I ain’t wanna live no more.”
The “Cartel Swag” artist said that before deactivating his IG, he headed to Cabo and put on a birthday party for his daughter Islah. He posted a video of him holding and rocking her, believing it would be the “last time seeing her.”
When asked what pushed him to that point, the 35-year-old said that he was unhappy, was under a lot of pressure to be a “provider,” and didn’t feel like he was being “celebrated” at home but “tolerated.”
“As men, when you a provider and you not feeling like you being celebrated in the proper manner, you feel like you only being tolerated … when I was in the streets, I used to hate going home because I feel like I wasn’t welcome there. Y’all act like I’m just doing what I’m supposed to be doing,” he said.
Adding: “We so busy being tough and harboring all these resentment and emotions and the s**t we deal with. That pressure was on top of my head. I was like, ‘Man, I quit.'”
Returning from the trip, Gates said that he penned a letter before heading to the gym.
“I had a raw letter that I wrote about everything,” he said. “I was just saying; I don’t regret nobody I ever stepped on; if I did, your momma ain’t raise you right. I wrote about how I’ve been in love before and had my heartbroken. How the first woman to ever break my heart was my mother, and the only woman to ever love me was my grandmother.”
After completing his workout, he said he put on his jewelry and looked at himself in the mirror and as he was leaving the gym a fan approached him.
“White boy walked up on me — kinda big, I see him in there a lot. He said, ‘Can I approach you?’ … He like, ‘Man, your music [is] the only thing that make this crazy world make sense.’ I was like, ‘Man, the world’s a cruel place. Trust me, I know,’” said Kevin.
That was then that he spoke with the fan and shared that he was going to kill himself.
"He cried, and he grabbed me, and he said, 'If you do that, so many people gonna take their own life 'cause you all we got.' This shows you how God works through people," Gates continued. "I said, 'You know what? I guess I'll stick around a while.'
Following the encounter with the fan, Gates said that he gave himself three days to consider his next moves. He chose to head to Puerto Rico to reconnect with himself.
"When I disconnected my Instagram and stopped making comparisons to my life and other people's highlight film, and just started living for me and really appreciating the good things about myself, and love what you have and have all that you need and really engaging with myself and the world — that's what really shook me all the way," he said. "If I only help one person with my story, with everything I've been through, then I've served my purpose."
Watch the full interview below:
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), text "STRENGTH" to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 or go to suicidepreventionlifeline.org.