When Black women speak of “Pick-Me” culture, we’re not just talking about that one friend who morphs into a walking Think Like a Man quote when men are around. We’re talking about a much more insidious trend—one that’s crossing over from group chats and social media debates into our politics, public policy, and the culture at large.

At its core, “Pick-Me” ideology is rooted in respectability: the belief that if you perform the “right” kind of femininity—submissive, accommodating, unthreatening—you’ll be spared from harm. But what happens when that ideology leaves the group chat and starts showing up in campaign platforms, public discourse, and viral podcasts? What happens when survival becomes contingent on throwing other Black women under the bus?

Take the recent wave of media personalities who stake their careers on bashing other women in the name of “traditional values.” From pushing marriage as a measure of worth to blaming victims of domestic violence for not “choosing better,” the rhetoric mirrors that of patriarchal systems designed to police and punish women. And disturbingly, these messages are gaining traction not only among male audiences but also among women. 

The appeal is clear: in a world that often renders Black women invisible unless they are exceptional or entertaining, some seek visibility through alignment with systems that promise approval if they just behave. If we shrink ourselves. If we’re willing to abandon our more vulnerable sisters

However, this strategy has never been sustainable. Ask any woman who has tried to conform to white supremacist capitalist patriarchy and still found herself on the receiving end of violence, exclusion, or erasure.

In 2024 alone, we saw a surge in “reform” movements led by Black public figures promoting compliance over liberation. Whether it's influencers urging women to “stop emasculating men” or elected officials advancing policy that restricts bodily autonomy under the guise of “morality,” it’s clear that Pick-Me politics aren’t just aesthetic—they’re policy platforms.

We need to name this cultural shift for what it is: a betrayal dressed as virtue.

To be clear, this isn’t a call-out of individual women navigating survival under structural oppression. We’ve all been there. But when survival becomes sabotage—when your seat at the table comes at the expense of someone else’s safety or dignity—that’s not empowerment. That’s exploitation.